But since I didn't manage to find my sanity for long enough to take a picture of the event I'm about to describe, you'll have to deal with words.... and it's worth reading. TRUST ME. Let me begin.


It's a lovely 7:30 in the am. I am bouncing with joy because I woke up before my kids, managed to shower, and talk on the phone with my mom all while they are sleeping in their little beds. (This NEVER happens.) I am enjoying the peaceful quiet of my house and head to the living room to clean up the blankets/pillow/dishes left over from movie watching last night. Dishes go to the sink. Pillows return to their homes. Blanket #1 is neatly folded and tucked away. Then comes Blanket #2. The horrible, no good, rotten blanket that looked too good to just put away. So I wrapped myself up in it and was preparing to plop down on the couch with a good book.

Then I looked down...

(I have no idea why. Maybe God needed a good laugh??? I'm fairly certain he's got a great sense of humor and was laughing hysterically.)

ANYWAY...

Then I looked down... and there on that blanket that was snuggled up around ME was the most gigantic spider in the history of the world. (Okay, maybe just the Doan household, but seriously we're talking Godzilla on 8 legs here.) I screamed like the stupid girl that get's trapped upstairs in a horror movie. I flung the blanket off me. I screamed more. The spider scurried to the corner. I'm jumping around with the heebie-jeebies trying to figure out what to do. I don't kill spiders... Jake kills spiders. I don't even like to kill flies. (It's the whole business of cleaning up their squashed guts...but more on that later.)

(I should probably note that my screaming woke up Ashelyn and so at this point she's been crying in her crib the WHOLE time this is happening. Gideon is just watching me from the safety of the hall wondering, "What the heck happened to Mommy?")

Instinctively, I grab a flip-flop. I'm set to strike and then suddenly realize this spider could eat through this wimpy flip flop in an attempt to get to me. This WON'T do. The next biggest thing I could find within my reach was a library book. I still can't muster up the courage to just give the thing a good whack... so I hurl this book across my living room . Obviously I was incapable of rational thought, because once you hurl something in close proximity of Monster-Spider, a missed shot requires you to go fetch it.

Realizing my book-hurling isn't going to cut it, I puff up my chest and bravely march the 6 feet to the corner and decide, maybe I can just drop the book on the spider?! That way, my hand isn't ACTUALLY close to it. I try this about 3 times. Carefully dragging the book back into my reach with my foot after each failed attempt.

"This is it," I say, and I finally render the death blow. This is when it gets really difficult. You know spiders, when they die their legs curl all up and it's disgusting and horrible. The WORST.

Now, back to the whole hating to clean up squashed dead things business. I decided that my bravery for the day was completely spent, so I took my ottoman, shoved it over to the corner to cover up dead Godzilla. (Don't judge me! At least now my kids can't get to it.)

Jake is going to have to deal with him later.

***No library books were harmed during this incident.***